The Reason
by SiriusUntiltheVeryEnd
Summary: Sirius and Marlene fluff with a bit of Jily.


_I'm sorry that I hurt you_  
_It's something I must live with everyday_  
_And all the pain I put you through_  
_I wish that I could take it all away_  
_And be the one who catches all your tears_  
_Thats why I need you to hear_

_I've found a reason for me_  
_To change who I used to be_  
_A reason to start over new_  
_and the reason is You_

**-Hoobastank-**

* * *

"Why did you drag me down here?" Marlene asked, giving Lily a sour expression. "We are in the middle of a war. I have a double shift tomorrow-"

Lily waved her off. "Honey, you work double shifts all week and we've been at war for over three years. You could use a night of…wait for it…fun!"

"Lily," She groaned, dragging her feet. "I don't have time for fun."

"Nonsense!"

Marlene allowed Lily to push her forward into the tavern, but not without a few comments under her breath. It was the first time in weeks she wasn't either in scrubs or in robes. If she could relax and give into it, it would be great, but she was just too tired and too worn out to think that this was anything but a waste of time.

At the bar she saw Mary, James, Remus and Dorcas sitting together. The last time she saw any of them was at the order meeting a month earlier. Normally she was partnered with Emmeline or Fabian, so she didn't see her friends often. Now she saw remembered why she didn't make more of an effort. Seeing them there, laughing and having a good time just reminded her that sooner or later she was going to go to one, or all of their funerals. She'd like to believe she was wrong. She would like to believe that together the bunch of them could save the world, but after watching Amber get killed she knew she wasn't.

"Mar, if you don't move I'm going to make James pick you up and carry you over." Lily threatened.

"I'm coming. I'm coming." Marlene relented.

"HEEEEEY! Look who it is!" Dorcas cheered, hoping of the bar stool and jumping into Marlene's arms.

Snorting, she hugged her back. "Hi Dorky."

"Where have you been?"

"Working mostly."

Dorcas's big doe eyes grew sad. "You can't just work all the time, you have to have a life."

"Well I like to think saving people is my life…" Marlene tentatively went to hug the others. When she went for James, he held onto her longer than the others and didn't let her break away on contact like she had done before.

"I don't know," James whispered in her ear. "Where you think you're going, but you're hanging out with us tonight."

When they pulled away, Marlene's eyes were filled with tears. "I can't…James…it's too much."

"You have to see _him_ at least."

"I think it would be better for _him_ if I didn't." She admitted in an undertone.

James shook his head with a good-natured smile. "Come on. It's not like he hates you."

"Quite the opposite really." Remus added dryly.

Marlene glowered at Remus, her dark hair falling in her face in the process. "You know, I smuggled you in chocolate when Pomfrey said you weren't supposed to have anything."

"And for that I'm endlessly in your debt." He responded. "I'm just stating a fact."

"I'm sure he's been just fine." Marlene said coolly, glancing around. "Where is the idiot, anyway?"

* * *

Sirius had been coming back from the bathroom when he saw her. His feet stuck to the floor, his eyes were fixed on her, tracing her body and remembering the last time he had seen her.

_"I'm DONE!" She spat, ripping her arm out from under his grip._

_"NO! We are not done! We are talking-!"_

_"What's the point?!" Marlene shouted, her eyes filled with rage. "You don't listen. You just want to destroy yourself!"_

_Sirius scoffed, his lips curling. "I'm not destroying anything."_

_"Really?!..." She stormed over, snatched the tall empty bottles and shoved them right in his face. "When's the last time you were sober? HUH?!"_

_Flinching he knocked the bottles out of his face and broke away from her. "So I had a few drinks. What are you going to get on me about that?!"_

_"Because I can't remember the last time I saw you without a drink in your hand." _

_"You're being overdramatic."_

_Her voice broke, "No…I'm not. That's what you refuse to see. You are spiraling, you have been for weeks now. I just didn't want to see it."_

_"We're in the middle of a war!" He roared, glaring at her. "I have seen things that require me to take a drink now and again."_

_"Because you are the only one that's seen some fucked up shit?! You know for all your talk, you love to play the victim. You love to set and feel so fucking sorry for yourself," Marlene got in his face, "You never considered what it was doing to everyone else! Alice watched her parents get mur-dered! Emmeline had to see her boyfriend burn alive! And James had to spend hours watching them torture Lily, never knowing whether she would make it or not…" Her lips trembled. "And you…"_

_Sirius softened, his hands reaching for her face and wincing when she backed away from him._

_"You haven't lost anything. You have your best friends. You are ..financially stable. You had everything." Her voice hardened. "You. Have. Me. And you don't even care. It's not even enough for you."_

_"That's not true!"_

_"Really?" She laughed lifelessly. "Then why are you drowning yourself in firewiskey…? Why do you stay up every night looking out the window?"_

_Sirius looked down, the bags under his eyes were shallow and pure black hollowing out his face._

_"I can't do this anymore. You won't talk to me. You won't talk to the boys or Lily. Hell, you won't even talk to James." She cleared her throat, tears streaming down her face. "I knew when we got together last year that I would always take a back seat to the boys, and I was fine with that." Marlene gulped down the overwhelming tide of emotion that was taking over her. "I understand that a girl is never going to be the most important thing in your life, and I understand that because my family comes first before you in my list of priorities…But I…I refuse to rank this low. I refuse to watch you kill yourself."_

_"Mar-"_

_"No." She shook her head sharply, "I'm done."_

_"You always say that..."_

_Marlene let out a choked up laugh, wiping furiously at her puffy eyes. "Yeah? Well this time I mean it."_

_Sirius gaped at her._

_"Life is too short. We could all die tomorrow and I'm not going to waste what little time I have left trying to carry you." She went over to his top-drawer, kicked open a suitcase and dumped to contents inside. _

_"Mar…" He said very quietly. "…What are you doing?"_

_"Leaving." She said flatly, not able to look at him again. "I'm leaving."_

* * *

He didn't know she was coming, but he don't really know what he would have done differently if he did. She had let her hair grow up down to her elbows, her face was worn and it looked like she had lost a bit of weight, but it was still her. Still the girl who used to go skinny-dipping the black lake in the middle of the night. Still the only girl who he'd ever let close enough to hurt him.

And boy did she.

If she thought his drinking and erratic behavior was bad before, it was nothing compared to what happened when she walked out the door. He broke every breakable thing he could get his hands on and nearly burned the entire place down at one point. When he stopped he did something he hadn't done in years, he cried. Not because she left, but because he should have known she would. Her anger towards him had been escalating in the days before, but he ignored it. Sirius told himself she had no reason to leave and she should just get used to him, but the truth of it was he was waiting for her to go. Any self-respecting person would have fled long ago. But she loved him, Merlin knew why, and that clouded her judgment, until… it didn't. He could have stopped her, he could have swore he'd stop and swear he'd never do any of it again, but he didn't because she was right.

And there was nothing that could have crippled Sirius more than being so horrifyingly wrong.

He'd become a mess of a man, when in reality, he was fairing better than almost every other member of the Order. Honestly he was just waiting for the boom, the instant where he'd come home and find out all of them were gone. There was no family for him; Remus, James, Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene and even Dorcas were his family. They were the one's that held him together and gave him a reason worth living and he pissed it all away in a string of self-loathing spectacles.

Sirius had gotten it together since then. He only drank when there was occasion to do so, he learned how to properly clean his flat and he returned to his old self, living in the moment and enjoying every second of it. Though they had seen each other from across the room at Order meetings he hadn't properly seen or spoken to her in three months. Looking at her now, he felt his usual charisma and confidence stagger a bit. He had to think of a way to say hi to her but not linger around. But what?

About to take a sip out of her drink, Marlene made a face at James. "You are SUCH a prat. You_ knew_ I would throw that pudding!"

"Of course I did." James grinned proudly. "I set you up!"

Lily playfully hit her husband's shoulder. "You are a right git James."

"And you love me for it." He declared rubbing his nose against hers before planting a kiss on her pursed lips.

"You two are like an add for those tacking jewelry jingles." Dorcas mocked them, rolling her eyes, before grabbing Mary by the arm and hauling her off to the dance floor.

Marlene smiled, the feeling straining the muscles in her face, but the expression froze when Sirius strutted over and tapped James on the shoulder. "It's time mate."

James let out a very overdramatic breath, and then he seized Lily, giving her a rather passionate snog, before releasing her and going off in the direction of the stage. Sirius snorted, gave Lily a wink before his eyes momentarily went to Marlene.

Her breath caught in her chest, and she had to clutch the bar counter to keep herself from showing any emotion. She had left him. It broke her heart, but she had done it and now he was here, looking like he did when she first fell in love with him. His hair was shaggy, but not unclean. His stubble was shaved off, no dark circles under his eyes either and his eyes were focused and clear grey. This was a man that could have gotten every girl in the bar in seven seconds flat and yet, for the first time in years, his eyes didn't glance around at any of them, because they were too busy with her.

"See you guys later," Sirius sighed deeply. "I'm afraid I have a duty to fufil!"

Lily patted him on the shoulder, a smile high on her face. "Go get em Padfoot!"

When he left Marlene eyed Lily wearingly, "Since when do you call him that?"

"He's really hard to think of a good nickname for." Lily pouted for a moment before she busted out into a fit of giggles.

"What? What is it?"

Lily pointed at the stage.

Marlene spun around to see all four Marauder's on the stage; Peter looked half in the bag, and James was doing an odd sort of tango with the microphone stand while Remus leaned against Sirius for emotional support.

"Merlin, they are a hot ass mess!" Marlene chuckled, half-hiding her face.

"We are the Marauder's," James's voice came out and then the four of them attempted to sing a song that happened to be at the top of the wizarding charts. There voices were so out of synch and out of time that it just came out one-big-jumbled-mess.

"Oh god! I can't watch!" Lily shook with laughter, burrowing herself into Marlene's shoulder.

"Watch? ..You can still _hear_ them!"

Mary and Dorcas shuffled off the dance floor, both of their face's bright red from laughter. Mary doubled over, holding onto Dorcas and Marlene's shoulders for support. "They…god…so bad."

* * *

"Thank you! Thank you!" James declared once the boys had finally decided to stop screaming into the microphones. "Now, before we finish," He put his hand up to his ear and pretended to hear groans, "I'm sorry…I'm sorry but we can't hog the stage the whole night!...Anyway, my mate is gonna sing."

"Baby, I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time," Sirius began softly, his voice filling the room. "And maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you."

Marlene had been forcing herself to look at the others, but at that moment her concentration was broken and she couldn't look away from him.

"Did you know he could sing?" Dorcas questioned Lily, her tone shocked.

Lily shook her head. "I didn't think any of them could."

"Remus and James certainly can't." Mary laughed.

"-Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you." Sirius said, gripping the microphone as the boy 'oooh-ed' into their microphones as a sort of background echo. "Maybe I'm a man, maybe I'm a lonely man who's in the middle of something, that he really doesn't understand-"

"Christ," Dorcas breathed, "He's really making eye contact with you Mar...I think that's what they call eye fucking."

Mary shook her head; "No it's too gentle for that. He's making eye-love to her."

"That sounds disgusting." Lily chringed.

"He probably just had too much to drink…" Marlene interjected.

Lily said, "He isn't drinking tonight. He's the designated apparater."

Marlene's face dropped in surprise. "But…I thought-"

"I've seen him drink a handful of times in the past few months and nowhere near the amount he used to." Lily informed her promptly.

"But…what changed?" She asked cluelessly.

Dorcas shrugged. "No idea." 

Sirius finished singing and this time they actually received applause. Plenty of women shuffled off to the edge of the stage in an effort to talk to Sirius, but he didn't really look at them. Sure he felt the attention of all of their stares, but it didn't affect him like it would have a year ago. A year ago he would have snogged half of them and flirted with the rest. It would have been an attempt to make Marlene jealous, but some of the time it was because it was simply what he wanted to do. Now that was trivial, it was on his radar, but it didn't matter.

Sticking his hands into his pockets, he went back to the counter where all the girls were huddled together in a flock like they were back in school. He didn't look at Marlene directly. Instead he glanced at the girls around her. If she wasn't at the same place as him he wasn't going to show his hand. It only took a few seconds for her to weave between the other three girls and address him. 

"Want to dance?" She asked.

He smirked, taking her hand and leading her out to the dance floor. "I can't remember the last time I turned you around a dance floor, McKinnon."

"It was our last night at Hogwarts." She mumbled, her nerves rising as he intertwined his hand with his, his other hand clasping the small of her back.

"Why do you always look at me _like that_?" Marlene needed to know.

Sirius blinked in confusion, leaning closer to her. "Like what?"

"Like…like I'm …" She shook her head. "Never mind."

"I've never told you I love you." He said solemnly, "But…" His jaw tightened and he looked away from her uncomfortably. "I um…Well I do, and…I'm sorry. I…well-"

She supplied, "You were wrong."

"Yes. I…I was, which, if you tell anyone I said-"

Marlene's finger left his shoulder and went to his lips. "If you finish that sentence I will tell everyone in the U.K."

"Fair enough."

"And I figured you might." She voiced bravely.

"Might what?"

"Love me," She said, her eyes meeting his tentatively.

Sirius brought her in just a little closer to him. "How did you know?"

"Because after we slept together one time you stayed…and I know you. We slept together dozen's times before that. You never stay."

"Maybe I was just comfortable."

"You don't let yourself get comfortable." She pointed out.

He said, "I guess you do know me."

"What's changed?...You're different. Lily said you don't really drink much anymore." Marlene tried to tease him. "Have I missed a life changing event?"

"No."

"Then what was it?"

"I didn't have a reason to look at what I was doing. The guys would have let me carry on and Lily would never say anything to my face."

Marlene frowned.

"I just want you to know, it was because of…_well you_." Sirius said, his voice tight.

"…really?"

He nodded, his jaw locked, his eyes half-closed. "Yeah."

"I…" She laughed; looking down at the ridiculous button up shirt James had gotten him for his last birthday. "I didn't expect that."

"You look tired." He said, his eyes soaking up every inch of her face, memorizing it.

"I've been working a lot."

"Is that it?"

Marlene's eyebrows raised, her brown eyes widening. "Are you asking me if I'm seeing anyone?"

"Obviously."

She rolled her eyes. "No. I'm not."

"Good."

"Good?"

"Did I stutter?" He replied curtly.

Marlene glowered at him. "You are such an arrogant prick."

"Yes, but you knew this when you met me."

"I didn't think I'd actually find a way to find it endearing…"

He grinned, his sleek black hair swooping into his forehead. "Well that's apart of my charm."

"_Charm_…? Is that what you're calling it these days?"

"Don't you want to know if I've been fooling around?"

"No, because I know you have." Marlene snorted wryly. "I'm not an idiot."

Sirius said, "Like you've been celibate since we've parted."

"That's. None of your business."

"It is, when I want you back."

Marlene eyes flashed up, "What makes you think I'd even take you back?"

"You're dancing with me…_You_ were even the one to suggest it."

"And that means I'm willing to put up your bull-" She paused as he spun her around and the swung her back into his arms. "..shit."

Sirius shrugged unfazed by the full in her cheeks. "Maybe, maybe not. So how about it? One last go?"

She chewed her top lip pensively, her chest tightening. "I don't know."

"You don't have to answer right now." Sirius said quickly.

"Mr. Impatient has grown up…when the hell did that happen?"

"_When you left_."

She faltered at that, her heart began to throb. "It couldn't be like it was."

"What, do you want a ring or something?"

"No," Marlene said darkly, "I want you to not to be an ass."

Sirius laughed, his face brightening up. "I'm afraid that is not negotiable."

"Fine, then can you just be less of an ass?"

"I can see what I can do."

She melted under his gaze, like she always did. "I have to rank higher Sirius."

"You rank higher than you think you do." He admitted sheepishly.

"By all means explain yourself."

Sirius pressed his lips together. "I don't need you."

"You're really winning points." She spat angrily.

"What I mean is…I could live without you. _I can_. I've proved that but," His voice dropped, and his lips lowered to her ear. "It wouldn't be real. It wouldn't be worth it."

Marlene's eyes watered. "…You mean that?"

"Would I say it if I didn't?"

"…Okay." She muttered. "Okay...If you swear to me you won't be like how you were before. We can _maybe_ try again."

"Honestly?"

Marlene nodded. "But I swear to Merlin, if you make me regret this-"

Sirius's lips interrupted her like they liked to do so often. She sighed against his lips, her body crumbling against him. When she pulled away, she gripped his collar in irritation. "You are such a prat."

"Ah huh," He said pulling her in for another kiss. His hands held her close to him and they were no longer dancing as much as snogging in the middle of the dance floor. 

Lily, who was slow dancing with James only a few feet away from them, glanced away from her husband for a split second and squealed in delight. "Look!"

James looked over and grinned widely. "Aww the whole gang is getting back together."

"Now Remus just needs to make a move on Mary." Lily said determinedly.

"You just can't help yourself, can you?"

"The world is falling apart." She said tenderly, "We could all use a little bit of love."

He cupped her face. "I love you."

"I know." 

James wrapped his arms around her and tucked her into his chest, swaying slightly to the music.

* * *

Marlene's hands clasped the back of Sirius's neck and she planted one last kiss on his lips. "I have to go. I have to work tomorrow."

"I'll walk you home." He said brushing his lips on the crown of her head and breaking away from her.

"Okay." She smiled, but the smile fell when one of his hands slipped into hers.

He frowned. "What?"

"Nothing…_it's nothing._"

"No. What is it?"

Marlene laughed lightly. "Honestly it's stupid."

"Tell me anyway."

"…You've never held my hand before. You'd put your arm around me or I'd link my arms around yours...but you never held my hand."

Sirius looked at her in bewilderment. "…Oh."

"It's not a bad thing…I just liked it."

His hand squeezed hers. "Then I'll keep doing it."

"Okay."

"Okay."

Then the pair of them left the pub, hand in hand, giving each other smitten glances.

* * *

_This one-shot is dedicated to lovingmarlseveryminute for her birthday! Happy birthday Mar!_


End file.
